The Great White Room

I shifted uncomfortably in the white leather office chair as the bright light overhead made me squint.  I’d never been called to my bosses’ office before, and I knew it was not a good sign.  I looked around at the imposing desk – a large maple wood antique desk that looked like it had been around since the beginning of time.  There were pictures of the boss and his son – a fisherman who many looked up to and every now and then even tried to emulate.  

The bossman had two distinct personalities – he could be kind or vengeful.  It depended on the day, but lately, many felt that he had gotten softer over the years, not in a bad way but in a more relatable way.  I hoped that he was feeling charitable, but screw-ups like mine did not go down easy in an organization like this. It would mean my job or worse. The clock clicked slowly, and still, the boss did not appear. The light continued beating down on me.  Waiting is always the worst part.  It seemed that with each second that passed, so did the last sands of my redemption.

“God dammit, when is he going to get here?” I uttered under my breath. 

“I’m here,” said a deep baritone.  I startled in my chair and looked across to the desk to my boss G.  He was an older man, dressed in a cream-colored suit. His green eyes looked stern and gentle at the same time.  His beard looked perfectly groomed, and his hands were well manicured. They started to strum as G looked at me intently. I wanted to break the silence – wanted to apologize like hell for my mistake, but some things are not easily rectified and certainly not with a simple “I’m sorry.”  The boss was the authority on forgiveness and second chances. I sat there, hoping he could see my willingness to make it right.  I made eye contact briefly and then looked to the floor in deference to my mentor. 

The silence continued until the door opened, and Pete entered.  Pete was G’s, righthand man. He trusted him implicitly. Pete was older – no as old as G, but this guy had seen a lot and helped develop the organization.  His stock of gray hair seemed to be thinning, and his eyes looked wherry.  He always had a lot of paper in his hand and frequently looked harried.  When he entered – I tried to apologize. Pete shot a sharp glance at me.

 “Don’t say a word – don’t say a fucking word!” he shouted as he put the papers on G’s desk. “The numbers are worse than we thought, and I have no fucking idea how we’re going to minimize the damage.”  G sighed and looked at me.  My heart started to beat faster as I looked down, not able to meet anyone’s gaze.   

“How did this happen?” G asked calmly.   I looked up and started to shake – it was not a dream. This mistake was serious enough to make it to the top of G’s To-Do list. 

“I got distracted,” I mumbled. It was the truth, but it was so insufficient. 

“You got distracted?  You got distracted?  What the fuck does that mean?”  Pete got in my face. A little bit of spit started to froth in the corner of his mouth, and he reminded me of a rabid dog.  It started to make me laugh, but then I caught myself and bit my lip.  I thought about the distraction – the woman – her face, her lips, her smooth, soft body, and her laugh, the pure perfection that is the female form.  It threw me off my game, and shit happened that I couldn’t undo, but maybe G, in his infinite wisdom, could.

“I’ve got this, Pete, you can go,”  said G wearily.

 “Okay, just remember what he did…what it means to all of us before you pass sentence,” Pete said as he left and slammed the door. 

“Hey, G –I’m so sorry.  I can’t tell you how big the knot is in my chest. I feel like shit. I just want to make this right,” I begged. G’s eyes narrowed, but he realized that I was sincere. 

“Okay, Em, I get that you feel bad; hell, we all do.  Mistakes can happen, but you took your eyes off the prize, and he..”

“He died,” I said quietly.   I’ve never known the sensation of tears, but right now, they were close and started to sting.  “But you…you can change this…you can make it right, and I swear to you that I’ll never be distracted again,” I pleaded.  G considered my offer.  He said nothing and turned to the screen at the end of the room and hit the play button. 

The picture was pitch dark.  Then a small light broke through, then more lights seemed to move around randomly against a rough cavernous wall.  The lights were crude and sat on top of hard hats.  The faces of the men under the hats were smeared with coal dust. They were coming out of the depths of their jobs back to the real world; the world where they would no longer be invisible.   

My guy – Keith covered his eyes as he came into the light, but he was happy to

see Gloria was waiting for him. He kissed her passionately, and she reciprocated in-kind. Her face was pale and classically beautiful even though his kisses smudged it with coal dust. She didn’t care. Keith was the one person who loved her just for her.  There were no conditions – no power-brokering between fathers to see who would use their children’s marriages to consolidate and elevate their status into the pissing circle that was Macon’s high society in 1946.  

Working in the mine gave Keith a very muscular physique, which made him stand out from the other men that moved in Gloria’s social circle. Her girlfriends envied her even if they made fun of his profession behind her back.  He didn’t even hate the job, which was rare in the mining industry. It paid well and was only slightly dangerous. But Keith knew what he was doing; he knew his way around a mine. He was a foreman, and his guys trusted him.  

He climbed into Gloria’s blue and white Corvette convertible and turned on the radio to Elvis’ “Love Me Tender.”  It was the perfect ending to a less than perfect day, but it instantly became better because this man was with the woman, he loved.  It should have been that simple - but life is never that simple. 

That night Keith and Gloria went to the local soda shop and ordered the usual, two cheeseburgers, onion rings, and strawberry malts. Just as their waitress had delivered their dinner, Bucky Brooks walked up and started in. 

“Gloria – for God’s sake, when are you going to get this walk on the wild side out of your system. You can’t be serious?” 

Bucky’s family was the closest thing Macon had to the blue bloods and had been members of the Chamber of Commerce since before the Civil War.  His family owned the mine, but other than showing off the rocks that his father’s employees had risked their lives to get, he was rarely there or had any interest in the family business.  He’d always had a thing for Gloria, who rejected him every chance she got.  Now she marveled at his arrogance, somehow thinking that it would prevent Keith from cold-cocking him into next week because his family was well established.   

 Keith ignored him and started to dig into his cheeseburger. This piss ant was no threat, and to even dignify him with an answer would give him too much legitimacy. 

“Bucky, just leave. You’re not welcome here,” Gloria said as she sat closer to Keith in their favorite booth. Bucky started to get into Keith’s face but noticed that some of the diners, who were also coal miners surrounding him, ready to pounce if the need be. Rich outsiders did not belong; Bucky was on their turf now.  Keith raised his hand to tell them to back off.

“Now why don’t you go back to Daddy and Mummy at the club and leave us alone,” Keith said, not looking directly at him.  Bucky realized that he was outnumbered and started out of the diner.  He got into his Roadster and sped away as the other diners looked on. Gloria squeezed Keith’s hand. 

“I’d give anything to just get out of this town, to go up north. There are plenty of mining jobs away from here.  I know we could be happy,” she said.  Keith smiled he was not sure what he had done to deserve such a beautiful and smart woman. He felt blessed every day they were together.  He gave her a kiss and said, “I’m working in it.”

          ….

G pointed to the screen and saw me in the corner of the diner. I was dressed in a pullover with a pair of jeans, watching my charge.  I lit a Marlboro and took a drag.  This was a habit that I knew was bad, but it instantly helped me blend in.  I kept an eye on Keith and Gloria, making sure they stayed out of harm’s way.  A waitress came over and poured me another cup of coffee and offered a piece of cherry pie. Her face was pretty, angular in a Rita Hayworth sort of way with wavy raven hair and full red lips. She leaned over ever so slightly so that I could see her breasts struggling to stay inside her tight waitressing uniform.  An instantaneous wave of desire started to rush over me.  I had always been so focused on my job that a woman like her rarely landed on my radar, but this one seemed to have honed in on me and was making her intentions obvious.  

“Can I get you more sugar, Sugar?” she asked in a silky southern drawl that had me flushed and flustered. 

“Um, sure – thanks.” I mumbled, not sure how to react. 

She leaned in and whispered in my ear,  “You can have a taste of my pie anytime you want sugar, just give me a call.”  She slipped a piece of paper into my hand and stroked my palm as she walked away.  I opened it and found a phone number with the name “Lily” next to it.  I felt my pants getting tighter and had to catch my breath.   I looked over at Keith and Gloria, who were paying their check and getting up to leave. 

“Shit!” I said, realizing I could not leave in my current condition without attracting some real attention.  “Okay, think of golf, baseball, world hunger… yeah, world hunger, that’s a good one,” I said as the blood started to return to my brain and away from my groin.  I put down a 10 spot, which paid for my food and a generous tip as I rushed out and saw them speed away.  I got in my car and followed them, keeping a few car lengths behind to avoid being spotted.  They got back to his place safely and settled in for the night.  All seemed well, so I went to the apartment I was renting just down the street.

I opened the door, threw my keys on the counter – grabbed a beer, and turned on the TV.  The Philco Radio Time with Bing Crosby was on. I let it play in the background while still trying to get Lily out of my mind.  Her face, hands, and body…I could not settle down until I saw her again.  I started to pace as my heart beat faster. I picked up the phone four or five times before I finally had the balls to call her. Each ring told me this was a bad idea, but I didn’t seem to care.  I could not control myself.  I was obsessed and felt like I had to get it out of my system if I could function for work.  Besides, what could it hurt?  I never worked outside the rules even though I know my co-workers did, plenty of times. 

“Hello,” she answered in her slow southern drawl.  “Sugar, is that you?  I was hoping you’d call.” 

“Yes…yes…it’s me,” I answered slowly.

“Look darling, I live pretty close to the diner; if you would like to come over, I’ll make some coffee,” she said.   “I live at 4466 Elm – I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

 I hung up, jumped in my car, and flew over there. She answered the door wearing a corset and fishnet stockings while licking a spoon with whipped cream.

  “I hope you enjoy my pie,” she said in a whisper.  I started kissing her with reckless abandon.  She grabbed my belt and started to unfasten my pants.  It was all happening so fast it seemed unreal, and yet there we were, practical strangers, pulling off our clothes and naked before we knew it. Her soft white skin felt like warm silk next to mine.  My head was swimming as we touched.  I had been thirsty all my life, and now I knew what it was like to drink the miraculous water of this mirage.

I carried her into the bedroom, and our lovemaking caused her to moan with ecstasy. I loved the music of this unfamiliar sound. Every ounce of me was consumed by this woman.  She bit softly at my ear and then let her nails scratch my back to the point that it drew blood, but I didn’t care. We had sex six times that night. Truth be told, I had never had sex before, never really felt like needed it until I met her. After the final tryst, we collapsed, exhausted and sweaty, onto her bed.  We held each other as the ceiling fan circled above, attempting to cool us down.  I remembered her getting up to get some water as my eyes closed once more, thinking this perfect night was probably a dream.

I awoke the next morning to the sound of warning bells. It was 10:00 in the morning.   I jumped up, disoriented, realizing I was still at  Lily’s house, which was just a mile from the mine. The alarms continued to blare. 

“Shit – its morning – Keith – shit!!” I yelled, realizing that I had let my charge go unguarded.  I looked around for Lily, hoping to say a quick good-bye, but she was gone.   I pulled my clothes on and jumped in my car.  “Please don’t let anything bad happen to Keith or any of his men – please!” I prayed.   When I got there – there were police cars and ambulances.  “What happened?” I asked a cop as he ran by. 

“An explosion – some type of cave-in – there are miners trapped down there,” he

replied, not slowing down.  

I looked around at the men who had gotten out. They were standing there looking shell shocked, their faces caked with soot, sweat, and blood.  I didn’t see Keith with them. 

“Hey, where is Keith?” I asked in a panic. 

“He’s still down there, trying to get more guys out.  We were all trapped; that brave son of a bitch moved a boulder and got us out. He went back for his last two men,” said a man who looked like he had been to hell and back.  

Shit, if I hadn’t been screwing around, this wouldn’t have happened.  I slipped past the cop that was guarding the entrance and started down the mine myself.  I grabbed one of the hats with a light that had been left behind by a panicked miner. 

I berated myself as I walked toward the explosion. The cave smelled metallic with traces of gunpowder. It was dark and dank even with the smoke from the explosion wafting about.  I should have been there when he got up; I should have been with him period.  Why did I let my guard down?   Goddammit, a piece of ass was not worth the feeling of doom that hit the pit of my stomach.  My light caught a man pulling another man up from the edge of the mine.  It was Bucky Brooks that piss-ant was actually redeeming himself. 

 “This mine is about to cave in, get the fuck out of here!”  He yelled as the second man climbed out.  He put the other man over his shoulder and ran towards the shift of light, which was his ticket to safety. The one man was able to climb up, the other was unconscious and was put onto a makeshift gurney.  “Go, save yourselves, I’ll get Keith,” Bucky implored.  The men nodded, took the injured, and headed to the light.

Keith started to come up the edge and put his hand out for Bucky to grab. 

“Hey Keith, sorry, man, but right now – I’m a hero.  I’ve helped save those last two guys, but the mine looks like the shaft is about to give way,” he said, looking around but not looking as scared as a man who might also be caught in a cave-in might be.  “You see, I’ve been around these caves all my life with my Grandpa. I never forgot all the lessons he taught me about explosives, cave-ins.”

The air got cooler like something bad was about to happen.  I hurried to the end of the shaft to get to Keith. 

“I know you’ve felt very lucky to have Gloria by your side, but it looks like your luck has just run out, my friend,” he said as he let go of the safety line. 

My hand tried to catch it before it slipped away, but I was too late. The last thing I saw was Keith’s terrified face fall back into the dark abyss.  I tried to jump in and save him.   He hit bottom with a thud while I was just a second away from breaking his fall. 

Then at once, I saw Lilly.  She was not in her usual waitress outfit but clad in black. “What are you doing here?” I asked and ran over to Keith, praying he was still alive.  “Can you help him – please?!” I begged as I got down on my knees to try to resuscitate him. Lilith smiled and opened what looked like a dark steel door. 

Countless spirits and demons jumped out, flying past me, unholy screeching hitting my ears.  I tried to catch them and put them back, but there were too many.  I shoved Lilly aside and closed the door. Suddenly, the parade of entities came to an instant halt.  But the ones that had just gotten free were gone in an instant.   I saw Keith’s soul pull out of his lifeless body.

“Keith, I’m so sorry…this was not supposed to happen…you’re a good man.” Keith looked sad and shocked.  At least he would be going to heaven – that was my only consolation. 

“But Gloria – she’s…”  he stopped speaking because the shock was too great.

A white light started to surround him. A golden iridescent light started to take the shape of a door.  Keith was drawn to it and started to walk through. Lilly held up her hands, and the doorway shut before Keith could go through.   

“You did this – you tricked me- you bitch!” Any feelings of lust now turned into a white-hot rage.

“You’re right sugar, by the way, the name is Lilith, thanks for your help,” she

smiled, unfolded a pair of black wings and faded out. The golden doorway closed with a loud clink and faded away. 

I stood there, dazed. Not only was Keith dead, but his chance for everlasting peace had just closed to protect heaven from the ungodly mess I had made of everything.  I could hear the sounds above ground of more rescuers and the voice of Bucky saying he had tried to save Keith, but the rope gave way, and he fell back.  There was a scream from Gloria followed by sobs.  I looked at Keith and started to step back. I closed my eyes, and when they opened, I was back in G’s office.

“G,  you have to believe me, I didn’t intend for any of this to happen. I want to make it right for Keith, for everyone,” I begged, trying to hold back my tears.  G took a long hard look at me before he started talking. 

“No one ever intends for these things to happen.  But they do out of arrogance or carelessness, and then the prayers start to roll in. It’s amazing how devout someone can become when they are in dire straits if only that devotion had been there before they got themselves into trouble.”   

“I understand you being angry at me. I get that. I let you down, but Keith. He was a good man,” I said, hoping to plead my case.

“He was a good man, a very good man,” said G wistfully. “Em – do you have any idea who that woman was? The woman you had sex with?”  His eyes looked deep into my soul, and I could tell he didn’t like what he saw.  “Her real name is Lilith, have you heard that name before?”

“She was supposedly Adam’s first wife,” I replied and wondered why we were getting into a religious/philosophical discussion, especially one that was outside of most biblical texts.

 “As you know, the balance between them and us can be very tenuous; one small slip up and can move the scale in their favor and it can never be in their favor.  Lilith was sent to deliberately distract you so she could open one of the gates of hell to let those spirits out into the world.  As you saw, they could not be contained very easily, and now they are out in the world.  It’s snagged the fabric of time.  Each of those spirits, ghosts, and demons need to be sent back to the time and place that they came from.” G  leaned in closer to me to make sure that I get the point. “Until that day arrives, you can never come back here, and neither can Keith.”

I was taken aback because Keith’s sentence seemed harsh, even some might say vengeful.  “I understand me, but why, Keith?” I asked, knowing that I was treading a very fine line between deference and blasphemy, but dammit, I was going to advocate for my charge.

“I’m not punishing Keith, I’m motivating you. As long as you feel responsible for his afterlife, you will be motivated to make things right.  If I just fixed it with the snap of my fingers, you would never learn just how resourceful you are. Sadly people stop praying because I don’t fix things easily for them as they would like, and they lose faith.  They pray for answers, and sometimes the answer is no.  The truth is they need to have faith in themselves to overcome their adversity. That’s what I’m asking you to do, fix your mistake and learn from it.” I knew he was right. He was God for God’s sake. 

“You will not be alone in your quest. Paranormal investigators seek out ghosts and spirits and those who are gifted with the ability to see and talk to entities and work to send them back where they belong. These people are called mediums,” G-replied.  “They can help you along the way.”  

“This seems impossible,” I said, feeling dejected. 

 “No, an impossible task would be Hercules and the Augean stables,” chuckled G.  “That story cracks me up every time.”  I glanced at G with a surprised look on my face. “What? I can’t read other people’s stuff?  It’s a good story.  Look, you can do this. I know you can, and when you do, you and Keith will both have a very high place here.  But be careful with him, right now he’s in shock but when he really grasps what happened. He’ll be an angry spirit and rightfully so. He was going to be a father.  I'm not going to kid you - it might take years. - maybe decades to get all the spirits that escaped back.  But you mustn't give up hope. I believe in you."

Somehow knowing that God had faith in me helped take some pain away, but I was still at a loss of how to fix things. G showed me how to go forward and back in time, so I could see who the best group of people to work with was, but I was forbidden to interfere with the natural course of their lives. I needed to know who these gifted people are. The human banishment of entities was a very powerful way of keeping evil spirits from inhabiting the earth's plane so they would never come back.    

G put his arm around me.  "Think of yourself as the prodigal son. You sinned and are about to learn what it's like to be on your own to capture those evil spirits, but at the end of the day, when you've completed this task,  you will be rejoiced and welcomed back to the kingdom of the Almighty.  Pretty cool - right?"  

 "I'm really am very sorry," I said as a tear ran down my cheek.  

"I know you are. I love you, anyway. I always will."  

He snapped his fingers, and with that, I took my place on earth - grounded until all the entities that Lilith had let out were back where they belonged.  

I turned to Keith, who appeared on the road next to me. "Hey, we have a special mission from God that only you and I can accomplish. Are you with me?"  Keith nodded sadly and shook my hand.  We started down a lonely road, and a journey with a final destination that we knew was heaven, but the road to redemption was going to be a true test of faith, hope, and love.

 

For more on Ghost Wanderers, go to www.ghostwanderers.com. 

The Demon went down to Georgia

The first time I saw Nicki Lynch I was half drunk at Clairvoyant-Con steeped in a self-induced haze to drown out the hundreds of ghostly voices which always seemed to be calling me.   I didn’t want to do something as cheesy as a psychic convention but back then I didn’t have much choice – Jess had just left me and he was asking for a hefty sum in the divorce settlement.  Rather than stay home and drink myself into oblivion, I took it on the road and did some questionable conferences just for the money. 

So there I was at my own forum – feeling that familiar buzz that made the other worldly chatter fade into the background.   I saw this fresh faced teen-age girl tentatively raise her hand and ask me a question.  “I think I might be a sensitive and I wanted to know what it’s like to be a medium,” she stood there beaming because she finally got the courage to ask me a question.   And how did I reward her bravery?   I started a tirade about how it sucked to be me – to talk to dead people all the time and never get a break.  She sat down defeated.  I had taken the wind out of her sails.  She looked down unable to make eye contact with anyone.  I wanted to apologize on the spot but then a redneck called me a fake at my own fucking forum so I beat the shit out of him in front of my audience and was quickly escorted out of “Clairvoyant Con.”  Click here to see the video of what happened.

I later found out that Nicki had never really recovered from our run-in and thought about giving up on being a psychic forever.  Bob the Atheist Ghost intervened by hacking into my Amazon account and sending a $1,000 gift card to her family to enjoy for the holidays as a peace offering.  He also set up a Skype meeting to break the ice before we finally met in person. 

For the record – Bob doesn’t know he’s dead.  He doesn’t believe in the afterlife and goes along doing what he used to do which was computers and science.  So even as a ghost, he can manipulate computers because that’s what he believes he can do.   Some ghosts can do that – especially ones who are strong willed or in such strong denial that they think they are still alive and only certain people like me have the “intelligence” to connect with them.

So here I was on a dark, steamy Georgia summer night meeting Nicki again in person in a haunted forest near a subdivision.  We were there to do an investigation so I could gage her skill level.  I wanted to still feel like it was safe for a relative neophyte to work with the undead because a medium of my stature was there to mentor her.  

I had placed some citron candles near the location sightings to help entice the ghosts but from a practical level – it kept the mosquitoes away.  I tried to get a read on the location.  I breathed slowly and quietly.  I could hear the sound of the brook near-by.  I could see a few flashes of things that had happened in these woods – some good and some bad but I tried to keep my mind open and relaxed for whatever and whoever might want to contact me.  I felt lazar focused and relaxed which is the way I like to go into these investigations because tension can throw my readings off big time.  But my peace started to turn to irritation – my breath started to get short and my blood pressure was rising.  I opened my eyes and quickly rolled them up to the heavens.

“Hey Princess – what’s shaking? Is Nicki here yet?” asked Bob like a child waiting for their favorite baby sitter to arrive.  Bob’s glasses slid slightly down his nose and he pushed them back quickly.  Some ghosts hold onto the familiar – for Bob it was his glasses, plaid button up shirt and khaki slacks with loafers.   His gray hair was always a bit unkempt and he had a hard time with boundaries.  For instance he would ask me questions anytime – anywhere – even in the shower.   He also annoyed the other ghosts because he’d try to explain them away as some sort of Jungian or Freudian personality arch-type of his own psyche.  In his mind, Bob was not dead and this ghost-like existence he was in was just a long existential dream – one in which I was supposed to help him “wake-up” from.  By far, he has been the hardest ghost for me to help move to the next level.

As analytical as Bob could get – he also wanted to be truly helpful and solve problems.  So he felt a sense of ownership since he had fixed my transgression with Nicki and got us together over Christmas.   As indirectly sweet as that was – I really wished he had stayed back at my place playing Dungeons and Dragons on-line.   Ghosts can be greatly influenced by other spirits.   An apparition can literally be “jumped” and manipulated by another entity just like a human can be taken over by a demon.   Bob’s disbelief put him in harm’s way and it was impossible to tell what might happen if he met up with the wrong kind of ghost. 

“Sooo- what are you going to say when you see Nicki in person– “ nudged Bob.  “I’ll know what to say when I see her,” I responded trying not to let my annoyance show.  Just then a young voice said “Hi Miss Sophia.”  I turned and saw a beam of light in the dark woods.   It was Nicki and she was literally beaming because we were meeting in person – no Skype, no Clairvoyant Con – just the two of us – well the two of us and Bob.   “Nicki – it’s so good to see you!”  I said giving her a genuine but uncharacteristic hug.   She hugged back and then Bob piled on and hugged the both of us.   “Okay, this is the good stuff,” he said proudly “brought to you by me.”   Nicki smiled back – she could see and hear Bob.  Her wavy blond hair caught the moonlight and she seemed just as sweet as the first time I had seen her.  Even with all the crap that came down on her as a result of the video that someone shot of us at Clairvoyant-Con and posted on YouTube – you could tell she was still an optimist – still trusting in the good in everyone  - even me and Bob.  I really hoped that we would not misplace that trust.

 

“Okay sweetie,” I started  – “ I wanted you to help me with this case because apparently it’s a teenage ghost according to the people who have seen her and maybe she might be open to someone her own age rather than –“  “Rather than someone who is old enough to be her mother – I mean really – what teen would want advice from someone that old?”  said Bob matter-of-factly.  He then realized how that sounded.  “Oh, wait – you’re not old to me but to a teen – you’re ancient.  To me – you’re smoking hot in all the right places –“  Nicki started to laugh.  “Okay, Bob, enough- you’ve made your point,” I replied realizing I really needed to get another lock for my bathroom door – one that would keep out ghosts.  

 

The air started to get a little cooler and I saw Nicki shiver slightly.  “Are you okay?” I asked feeling a little unsure myself since I usually did investigations alone and I didn’t want to put her in harm’s way.  “I’m okay, Miss Sophia but I think there’s something that does not want us here.”  I had to agree – the sense of tranquility I had before had now been replaced by a sense of oppressive dread.  We heard the plants around us start to shake even though the air was still and there was no wind to stir things up.   Nicki’s head started to bend back and she let out a gasp.  “Something just pulled my hair really hard,” she said trying to keep her voice even.  “It’s okay, I’m here – “ I replied trying to calm things down.  “You girls are just imagining things – there’s no such things as ghos-“ Bob started but then stopped half way through.  

His eyes started to get big and he stepped back.  I looked in the same direction and saw what looked like a demonic head in the trees.  It’s face was dripping black blood and the eyes were gone-  just black sockets.  There were horns raising from its head and and it’s mouth was moving like it was making some sort of incantation.  “Okay this is bad –this is really bad” -  I said getting ready to grab Nicki and make a run for it. 

I then saw a young female ghost who literally seemed to be trapped behind the demon faced tree.  She looked like someone out of a 1980’s MTV music video.  Her hair was a vintage bad perm and her red jacket looked like it had large shoulder pads.   She seemed to be about 14 or 15 and looked scared.  I was trying to determine if she was indeed a child ghost or if this was some type of trick this demon was playing (many times demons pose as children to gain your trust).   Nicki started running towards the girl out of instinct rather than waiting for my cue.  “Nicki – no you don’t know if she’s – “ I  saw the girl start to run toward the both of us – I reached out to Nicki to try to stop her. “Seriously?  C’mon ladies it’s just a teenage girl – how dangerous could she be?” spoken by a person who had never really experienced a hormonal adolescent female either living or dead.  “Bob,” I replied, “just keep your mouth shut – I mean really stop talking.”  “Hey you can’t silence me and that devil face in the trees – that indicates that my personal demons want to come out but are held back by my ‘Tree of Life’ – they are in a constant battle for balance.   You have to read between the lines or you’ll never get me to ‘wake-up’,” Bob said with his fingers in air quotes when he said the words “wake-up.”

 

I caught up to Nicki who was face to face with the teenage ghost.  The poor thing looked legitimate.  I could tell that she had died from a drug overdose in these woods.   “Miss Sophia, she took some bad pills and wanted to change her mind, but someone wouldn’t let her make it out alive,” said Nicki with tears in her eyes.  It’s tough learning the back story on these ghosts and not getting affected but our job as mediums was not to get too involved and help them move onto the next level.  “I know Nicki – it can be tough to feel their emotions but we need to protect our feelings –“ I started and once again was interrupted by Bob.  “Oh, sweet suffering Jesus, (who I don’t believe in by the way)  this is why you woman have a hard time being taken seriously in business – too many emotions,” said Bob in such a condescending tone that I nearly smacked him.  “Woman can be leaders of entire countries– Margaret Thatcher has the brass balls to prove it!” said the young ghost who I was instantly impressed with.  “Hey you need to respect your elders young lady- “ Bob fired back figuring that would be the end of that.  “You have to earn my respect asshole!” she retorted.  I had to admit I was beginning to have some genuine admiration for this ghost. 

 

Nicki let out a nervous giggle and asked the girl her name.  “I’m Lara Pembrook.  I’m sorry that the demon showed himself.  That generally doesn’t bode well for the people who see him,” she said sadly.  “How did you end up here?  Why did you take your life?”  I asked while also keeping an eye out for the demon.   

 

Lara took a deep breath and started to shake.  Having to tell or even relive the time of death is very traumatic for ghosts but it’s the only way I could help her.  “I was there the night that Samantha was killed just a few miles from here – in a creek.   Allison made us confront her when we thought she was cheating with Allison’s boyfriend.  Things got heated and Allison threw a big rock at Samantha’s head.   There was blood everywhere – but she might have lived.   Allison freaked out and made us put Samantha’s body into the deepest part of the creek and weigh it down with rocks.   We then tried to pretend like nothing happened even when all the missing person stuff hit the news and the police questioned us  – “   “That’s so horrible - I’m so sorry – “ said Nicki who was quivering.  “I would see Samantha’s parents at church – devastated and praying to for a miracle.  I wanted to tell them the truth but Allison told me if I went to the police – she and the other kids would say it was my idea and that I threw the rock.   I just couldn’t live with myself anymore so I came here to – to – “ her voice trailed off and she looked exhausted.   “Nicki – you said someone would not let her leave – was that demon?”  I asked knowing the answer- I wanted to see if Nicki did too.  “No, the demon made her want to commit suicide but it was Allison that found her and could have saved her but Allison was so afraid of what could happen if she told the truth that she just Lara overdose rather than trying to get help,” Nicki said quietly with tears coming down her face.  “This is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard Miss Sophia.”   “The police found me a day later.  I wanted to find Samantha’s ghost and tell her I was sorry – but the demon would not let me leave these woods – he marked me and I was his now,” Lara finished quietly. 

“Wow, this Allison sounds like a real bitch!” pronounced Bob hoping to join in and be part of the group.  I looked over at Lara who started to laugh – “You’re right asshole – she is a bitch!”  The four of us started to chuckle but it was cut short by the sound of an evil bellow through the woods.

“Good God,  (I don’t believe in that either) what was that?” Bob asked as he ducked behind me and Nicki.   “That’s the demon – he doesn’t like me talking to people and now that you know my story – you might not make it out either,” Lara said realizing that she might have just sealed our doom.

 

The woods started to get stone cold – like the kind of cold in winter when there is no wind but just ice everywhere.  Nicki started to get scared – “I don’t want something bad to happen here Miss Sophia, I promised my mother I’d be okay,” she said shivering.  I held her tight and looked into her eyes.  “I know and I should have given you more of a primer before our investigation but I honestly didn’t think it would get this serious.”   “Yup, dream wise – this is pretty fucking bad –“ Bob stated.  “Okay, Nicki – at the point that the demon comes close to us – you need to pull out this vile of salt and throw it in his face.  I’ll use the holy water and to sanctify the ground.   I have the 23^rd Psalm – which can also nullify the demon long enough to free Lara and get all of us to safety,”  I said feeling pretty confident with my plan. 

 

The bellowing continued and sounded like it was getting closer.  The grass started to move on its own and the pace of the steps got louder.   There was a loud groan and then it got silent.   I looked around – Nicki was close to me and looked scared as did Lara but they seemed unharmed.

 

Suddenly Bob’s icy hand grabbed at the front of my shirt and he pushed me down hard.  “So, you thought you could get rid of me – didn’t you Princess?”  Bob’s eyes had a weird look in them - it was obvious that the demon had jumped him.  My heart started to race as I struggled to get up.   “Miss Sophia!”  Nicki screamed trying to find the vile of salt that I had given her.  “You two thought you could banish me from these woods – an old drunk medium and a neophyte – rather ambitious wouldn’t you say?   I’ve been here for hundreds of years – through the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, lynchings.   I’ve made good people do very bad things but nothing they didn’t really want to do it’s just that the fear of God kept them from doing it.  But I freed them from that – it was only the fear of me they had to worry about.  It’s not lost on me the irony that a medium who talks to the dead might be the next one to haunt these woods.”  I finally got back on my feet but Bob grabbed me by the throat and started to push me against a tree. 

 

“You don’t have to do this Bob – I know you’re in there,” I said trying to coax him out so he could take control.  “Are you really trying to reach that Atheist twit?   The non-believers – the ones that trust logic over everything else are the easiest to manipulate,” he tightened his grip on my throat and it was getting harder to talk.   “Look, you need to leave this place once and for all – you don’t need to do this,” I said barely able to get the words out.

 

“Leave Miss Sophia alone,” Nicki said as she threw salt in Bob’s face. “Table salt, really?!  Now that is a bit insulting – it stings a bit but nothing I can’t handle,”  Nicki started to say the 23^rd Psalm, “The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want –“ but the demon just laughed.  “That is so text book. You women are so simple minded and weak – you go on a few websites and think you can vanquish me?   You are nothing more than slaves to your emotions and hormones –weepy and bitchy when that time of the month rolls around. But in just a few minutes after I kill the both of you- you will be slaves to me and not your hormones or menstrual cycles!” the demon started to laugh at his own quip. 

 

“Oh no you didn’t.  You pathetic asshole!  I’m not going to let you kill them – even if it means I’ll never get out of here!”   “How dare you defy me,” the demon shot back, “if you were smart instead of an emotional little harpee, you would join with me and kill them – then I might go easy on you.”  “I want to be free from you - from all of this and I don’t care what I have to do to get it,” she then brandished a tree branch like a sword and hit him over the head.  Stunned, he stumbled back.

 

“Nicki – close it now,” I shouted hoarsely.  Nicki grabbed the copper wire that was nearby as I started to run out of the semi-circle that we had created around the tree with iron nails and wire.  Her hands shook as she tried to close it and she kept on dropping the spool of wire.  It began to dawn on the demon that we were ensnaring him.  He started to crawl towards the opening.  Lara tried to push him back towards the tree with the branch.  He grabbed my leg and started to pull hard. “Get back here you bitch,” he howled.  I pushed forward trying to help Nicki close that gap before he could escape.  My hands reached the iron nail and closed the circle just as he was about to pounce.  “No!” he howled loud enough to make the trees shake.

 

Once the circle of cooper wire and iron was closed – the demon couldn’t walk outside of it.  Nicki grabbed Lara and they ran to another safe spot – a circle of rock salt which would keep any other bad spirits away from them.   I kicked the demon back and jumped outside of the copper circle.  I ran over to the girls.  “Are you both okay?”  “Yes, Miss Sophia,” said Nicki, “I did just what you told me.”  “But what about Bob?” asked Lara afraid that he would be part of the woods forever.

 

“Yes, what about Bob?” said the demon who was still in Bob’s ghostly body.  “You destroy me, you destroy him.  And since he’s an atheist, there will be no redemption.   Let me go and he has a chance.”   “I knew this might happen and I was willing to make that sacrifice – “ I said sadly.  “Miss Sophia, no not Bob, we can’t leave him here!”  Nicki begged.  “No, Miss Sophia, I can’t let you do this,” Lara cried.   The demon smiled.  “You see Sophia, you can be the good guy and let Bob exist as a ghost or kill his soul and leave him in all consuming darkness for eternity – it’s up to you.” 

 

“I’m – I’m so sorry – goodbye Bob –“ I said with a tear running down my face.  For a second – the demon’s eyes changed and I could see Bob standing there – “Hey don’t Sophia – please – “ I hesitated for a moment then threw black salt in his face.   He let out a yell and fell to his knees.  Nicki wimpered.  “Girls please look away,” I shouted.

 

I then pulled a sage stick, matches and some herbs that I had hidden under a bush.  I lit the sage stick which was mixed with copal, rue and angelica and made the sign of the cross over him.   His body started to shake and an unearthly moaning filled the forest.  “For the record – I knew that regular salt and 23^rd Psalm would not work – they were a diversion but this stuff is the real deal.  It seems like a bunch of emotional females are finally the ones to take you down.”   The demon started to back away from the smoke but could not escape it.  I started to recite the 91^st Psalm.  “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.   I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress - my God, in whom I trust’…”  With each line, the demon got weaker and weaker.  By the time I uttered the last lines, “Because he loves me says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation,” the demon let out one last groan and exited Bob’s ghostly visage.

The three of us stood in the forest looking at the tree where the demon had been and saw only Bob laying under the tree – not moving –not doing anything.  “Is Bob, is he gone?” Nicki asked choking back sobs.  “I think so, Nicki – I didn’t want this to happen but I couldn’t let another person get hurt by that demon,” I said feeling more sad about Bob leaving then happy that the demon was banished. Lara looked sad as well.  “I’m sorry he had to go – that asshole was beginning to grow on me.”   We all started to laugh and cry at the same time. 

“Hey stop with the asshole stuff, okay? I know I can be a little hard to take,” said Bob who was getting up slowly from under the tree.  “Oh my God, Bob!” I said happily which surprised me more than anyone.   “Bob, you’re okay!” said Nicki.  “Sure why wouldn’t I be – hey what’s with the copper circle thingy?”  he said not remembering what had just happened which was probably for the best.  “Not much Bob, we got rid of that personal demon and now we need to send Lara on her way.”  I bent down and undid the copper wire so Bob could walk out.   “You mean I can actually leave the forest?” Lara asked wondering what to do with herself.  “You can – you can ascend up to heaven if that’s what you want to do.”  “I do, but I have to apologize to someone first,” Lara said, “then I’ll be able to walk into the light.”    We gave her a hug and she slowly faded out of the forest with a big smile on her face.

“Do you think she’ll find Samantha and tell her how sorry she is?” asked Nicki.   “I think that’s the first thing on her to-do list,” I replied feeling relived that the night was over.  “Nicki, did you know about all this stuff?” asked Bob pointing to the smudge stick, the wires and iron nails. “Well Bob, Nicki and I had conversations that you were not privy to on Skype.  She needed to be prepared for anything that happened,” I replied.  “Sooo- how did she do?” Bob asked feeling like the metaphysical match maker.  “She passed with flying colors – I think she will make an excellent medium,” I said giving Nicki another hug.  

“Okay, but I thought tonight was more about my feelings of inadequacy as far as relationships go which was one of my personal demons.   I managed to get you two to work together – so wouldn’t that mean that feelings of emotional demonization should subside and I should wake up?” Bob asked hopefully thinking this was the tail end of his dream and still not grasping that he was dead.  “Maybe you still have a few more lessons to learn,” I explained quickly.   “Can we hurry this lesson stuff up, I’m pretty sure the Dragon Con Convention is in the next couple of days and I’m supposed to go as Mr. Spock,” Bob said hopefully.

“You’re funny and kinda weird, Bob,” Nicki chuckled.  “You have no idea kid!” Bob replied also laughing.  “Bob, why don’t you go back to my place – I got this new game called Savage Kingdoms – it sounds pretty challenging and way better then Dungeons and Dragons –“ I suggested hoping he’d finally leave the forest.  “Sure thing – you’re coming back after you drop Nicki off, right?”  “Yes, Bob – I’ll see you later,” I assured him and he faded out.  

“He’s never going to get it is he?”  Nicki asked feeling sorry for him.  “I tried to get him to be there when they discovered his body, but I think he was afraid of the truth.  But for right now, I’m stuck with him and frankly he does keep me on my toes,”  “He’s a handful alright,” Nicki quipped.  “That he is Nicki, that he is,” I laughed.

“Now, the first rule of being a medium after a night like tonight – we ground with lots of junk food –  Dairy Queen – my treat!” I said suddenly feeling famished and in dire need of a hamburger, fries and a Blizzard.  “You can call your Mom and ask her to meet us there.  And when you talk about this – let’s just leave out the demon part and just say we got Lara to go onto the next level,” I suggested knowing that her Mom would freak is she knew her sweet daughter had a run-in with a demonic presence. 

“Yes, Miss Sophia, I’d like that,” said Nicki.  We got into the car and started to drive out of the forest.  There was a bright light and for a nano-second we saw Lara laughing as she sped up to the sky.  We both looked at each other and smiled.  “Bob was right Miss Sophia, this is the good stuff.” 

Sophia Gardeen is a nationally recognized medium and is currently working on the show Ghost Wanderers for the Supernatural Channel.  She also makes on hell of a good butterscotch blondie.   For more info - go to ghostwanderers.com .

Unawakenings

I woke up realizing that I could not wake up.  I was hovering over my body which was not moving – not breathing.  I tried everything to wake myself up.  I put my hands on my shoulders but they slipped right through.  I pulled frantically at the dark blue covers by nothing moved. I even tried screaming and there was no flinch – no indication of movement.  I started to panic – there had to be some sort of explanation – it had to be a dream. My heart should have been beating but I felt nothing.  I kept circling hoping my eyes would pop open and this nightmare would end.  I just kept looking at myself in bed –lifeless.

I looked over and saw Angela sitting in the corner.  “Claire, I’m so sorry“ she said with tears streaming down her face.  “But how am I seeing you?  You died a year ago,” I replied still trying to comprehend what was happening but it was slowly beginning to dawn on me.  “Claire, you died last night – a heart attack I suppose – I’m just so sorry – “ “Stop saying that – this is not happening – it’s a dream – it has to be – Jack is coming over-“  

Oh, shit – if I was dead who was going to look after my grandson?   His father was not in any shape to raise him.   Angela looked down – I knew what she was thinking – who would take care of our boy.   “I wanted to you live as long as possible and when they told me you would be dying – I begged them to let you live for my Jack’s sake.  I pleaded but they said it was your time.  Claire I didn’t want this – please believe me.” 

The room began to swirl around me.  This was not a dream.  This was my death – plain and simple –I was dead.   In some ways there should have been some relief in that – no more bills to pay, no more arguments with my son Tom over how he was raising Jack.   But there was no relief, no bright light to walk into to – just a corpse that looked like me in my bed getting colder by the minute.   I backed up into my closet door and slide down to the floor.  Angela sat down beside me.   “My back doesn’t hurt anymore,” I mumbled.   “No, those little aches and pains go away, but the emotions remain.” 

“So you’ve been around the whole time?  Why haven’t you tried to reach out to Jack?” I asked knowing how hard he’s been trying to reach the other side hoping to capture some semblance of Angela but instead got that Coal Miner ghost that scared the shit out of him.

“I just can’t – I left him and I tried to get back but the accident ended it.  I know that Tom has been trying to poison him against-“  “Don’t blame Tom for that!  You left him.  You had an affair.  You were unfaithful to my son – and you left your Jack behind for me to raise.  Don’t you try to put your guilt off on my son for God’s sake!”  I might have been dead but I could still feel anger and right now my daughter-in-law was pushing what little buttons I had left.   “He pushed me away Claire.  He never got help after Vietnam. We both begged him to – I just couldn’t live a lie –“ Angela put her head down and started to sob.  I didn’t have time for this – or worse I was realizing – I had an eternity of this. 

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  “Nana, are you there?”  It was Jack’s voice.   “Sweet Jesus- I don’t want him to be the one who finds me, please do something,” I asked to the powers that be – but instead I got silence.   Angela looked at me, my corpse and the door where Jack was knocking.  She walked through and saw that Tom was waiting in the car.  “Tom is here with him – he can find you,” Angela said matter of factly.  Her casualness took me aback. “So you’re having Tom find me – my son – my baby?”  “Do you want the last image that Jack’s sees is you dead in bed.  At least Tom has seen dead people in Vietnam.”  I heard Tom coming to the door – “Mom, open up – it’s us-“  I looked at my lifeless body hoping I would suddenly come around but I could tell by my color – I was long gone.  “Her car is still here Dad- she’s got to be inside – “ said Jack sounding a little panicked.  “Okay, I’ll use the key but stay here – alright?”  Tom sounded worried but calm – and I prayed that he would know what to do. 

The click in the lock got the dead bolt to turn.  If my heart had still been beating it would have been going a mile a minute and pushed right through my throat.  He walked in carefully.  “Mom – are you here – it’s me Tom.”  He looked in the kitchen and the living room and hesitated as he walked into the bedroom.  The door knob turned slowly and he walked in.  “Mom, it’s time to get up- Jack’s –“ he stopped mid-sentence.   He walked over to my body and bent over to see if I was breathing.   He fell to his knees – trying to catch his breath.  “Mom-I’m sorry – why – sweet suffering Jesus – why?”  Jack called from the door – “Is everything okay – where’s Nana?”  “Jack – don’t come in here – stay by the car –“  “Is Nana – sick?”  he asked afraid of the answer.  “Just stay by the car  – stay by the car –“  Tom picked up the phone and dialed 911.  “Hello- I need to report – a death- my mother – she’s not breathing – she’s – oh my God – she’s –“   Tom broke down as the operator tried to get more information.   I stood there – wishing I could hold him. I wished when I was alive that I should have held him more.  I should have told him I was proud of him even with all the drinking and outbursts – he had a good heart and it was breaking once again.  He put down the phone and sobbed.  He tried to hold my hand – but it was cold and stiff now.  He dropped it which made him cry more.  

Angela went over to him and put her hand on his shoulder which seemed to calm him down.  She looked over to me and encouraged me to come over.   My hand hovered lightly over my son’s back -the one I used to pat when he was a teenager who wrote poetry and had the whole world in front of him – before that God damned war had ripped his heart out.   I put my hand on his shoulder and it felt warm. Right now, his shoulders were holding the weight of world which I could no longer try to carry for him.   He’d be on his own now – just him and Jack. 

He walked outside and from the window I could see him telling Jack – who just shook his head – not believing it and wanting to go inside to see for himself.   Tom was holding him back when the ambulance and the police arrived.  From there was a blur – the paramedics checking my vitals and finding nothing – the police questioning Tom and Jack and the two of them seeing my body in a sheet carried out of the house while a group of the neighbors looked on and were trying to console the both of them.   “So sorry Tom, she was a great lady – so kind – it’s just so sudden –“ said my neighbor Arthur who always said good morning when I got the paper.  He also had no problem borrowing my hedge clippers which he still had – at this point it didn’t matter – none of that petty shit mattered anymore.

The next few days were a whirlwind.  Jack and Tom making arrangements – trying to hold it together.  Well-meaning neighbors and church folks who were bringing muffins, casseroles and desserts galore – hoping that food would stem the grief.  When the house got quiet – it was just Jack and Tom and the silence was deafening.  I was not there to provide any sort of buffer – if they did talk it became an argument because Jack felt he knew me better than Tom.  Tom would respond that Jack didn’t know shit about me - that there were things we shared as mother and son he could never understand.  This cut Jack like a knife since Angela had died so suddenly.  And so it went – each one playing the game of who loved me more – a game that was unwinnable.

What surprised me the most was that Angela was actually helpful – trying to calm things down in her other-worldly way.  She would intercede when Tom looked like he wanted to smack their son by knocking things over as a reminder that she was still present and those signs he responded to.   My heart went out to Jack who just looked lost – he looked older than 15 and yet like a baby at the same time.  He needed a shoulder to cry on and his father was just not it.  Add to that the hormones that a 15 year old boy has raging through his veins and this transition was not going to be an easy one. 

The day of my funeral it was pretty sunny and Father Scott did a beautiful

service.  Tom managed to stay sober and actually put his arm around Jack during the eulogies that people were kind enough to do for me.  Then Tom stood up and walked to the pulpit.  This sent a few whispers through the sanctuary since Tom has not been in church since Jack’s baptism.  He had given up on God after the horrors he had seen in Vietnam.   But right now he didn’t feel like a stranger in a house of God – he seemed at home.  He strode confidently to the alter and stood there with a poem he had written for me when he was 15 for Mother’s Day.  He began – “When heaven needed a heart that could embrace the world- yours opened like a river that could not be dammed.  Where others would hold reservoirs of anger and spite – your tide of love would pull down those walls and bring a lightness that could not be denied –“ he kept his eyes on the paper and his voice was strong – never wavering.   Jack sat there transfixed wondering where this side of his father had come from - he smiled for the first time in a week.  Tom ended with “Mothers are the spring of life that keep us from drying up when emotions fail – they cover us with warmth and try to shield us from the rain but it’s the rain that makes things grow.  When a tear falls from a mother’s heart – it has more power than a hurricane to transform us – because although we cannot see it at the time – it makes us stronger in the face of adversity.”   Tom said nothing more as he left the pulpit to a chorus is sniffles in the pews.   Angela appeared next to me – “I hope he starts writing again – it would really help him.”  I nodded- but I was too stunned as everyone else was to say anything more.  

Tom sat down next to his son with his head bowed – trying not to look at Jack because he had taken a chance and revealed so much.  Jack leaned in, “That was awesome Dad!” and then touched his father’s hand.   Tom shook his head to say “Thank you.”   It was then that father and son actually started to form an understanding – one that was short on words but long on meaning. 

The burial at the cemetery was pretty standard but Tom seemed to be at peace that he had been able to see me off in style.  Thankfully – I had paid for my funeral arrangements years ago – so I could be next to my husband.  I just never thought that it would be used before I was even out of my 70’s.   

Jack sat with his dad in a daze.  The commotion of the last few days had distracted him from the uncertainty of his new life – having to deal without me in his life.  He watched as my casket was lowered into the cold ground – the same one that had swallowed up his mother.   “This is so fucking unfair-“ he said under his breath.   Tom just nodded – it was his sentiment exactly.   They each took a rose and threw onto the grave before the men started to cover it with dirt.  My head was still reeling – it was all so surreal.  The tombstone was nearby –the one I purchased when my husband died only now instead of my birthday and a dash – it had the day I died.  There it was – a bunch of numbers that made my demise official. 

Tom decided to have the reception at my house which was nicer than the one he and Jack lived in.  The refrigerator was also bigger to hold all the casseroles that my church group brought over.  The community really embraced my son and grandson and for that I was grateful.  A flurry of people went through my house that day – more than at any point while I was alive.   When the last church lady left the last tuna noodle casserole – my house was finally quiet.   Jack and Tom sat on my couch with the crocheted blanket that Angela had made me one year for Christmas.   The silence seemed so unnatural – I usually had the TV or radio going because I hated being by myself.  Now there was only the ticking sound of my grandfather clock in the hallway that filled the house.   Jack and Tom wanted to go but couldn’t bring themselves to do it – for some reason they both knew it would mean it was really over – I was gone and never coming back – at least not as they knew me when I was alive.

I went over the Jack and tried to comfort him – to put my arm around him but it kept falling through.  Angela appeared and showed me how to drape my arm around him by hovering but not resting on him.  My little ghost hunter seemed oblivious to me – so filled with his own sadness to consider that I might just be this close.  Angela sat next to Tom who was wiping his eyes and looking down – trying to keep it together for Jack’s sake.   Both my boys looked so vulnerable – I just wanted to take their pain away but knew I couldn’t – not unless I rose from the dead and that seemed highly unlikely.  I’ve been a Christian woman all my life and knew that in the history of the world it had only happened once – however it was still only the third day since I passed so maybe it was possible.  

Angela could read my mind and started to giggle.  “Good God Claire –are you suggesting that you can take the Messiah route?  Trust me, the powers that be look down on that line of thinking.”  I winced at my hubris and hoped that it had not cost me.  I was dead, the funeral was over – the boys seemed like they were on the way to healing.  My mission was over.  Where the hell was the white light to take me to heaven? “I was wondering that too,” Angela replied.  “I figured since I was an adulterer – with that sin still on my head when I died that’s why I was not allowed to ascend – but it’s something more than that.  I’m still trying to figure it out.  In the meantime – we can still be here for Jack and Tom.  It’s funny, I find that I love him more now that I’m dead then I ever could when I was alive.”   That remark genuinely pissed me off.  “You’d still be alive if you had loved him more – at least with my death – I could have left in peace knowing that you would be alive to look after them but no – you had to go off with your lover on that snowy night and then tried to come back to get Jack but God was not going to let that happen.  You died in that car accident leaving me to pick up the pieces of your mistake!”  Every bit of contempt I had for her was spewing out.    

Angela’s face when from hurt to hard.  Her eyes turned to steel and she addressed me in a way she never had before.  “How dare you use God to judge me when I know for a fact that you were not exactly faithful in your marriage either.”   She knew that she had struck a blow.  She just looked at me with the same contempt I had for her.  “How did you –“ I stammered realizing that even though I had confessed my sin and thought I was absolved – apparently it was not enough.   “Tom told me he thought that you had an affair when he was a teenager.  Then your husband came to me after I died to ask me to look after you.  He had been around you all this time but it was time for him to move onto his next life.  He wished he had treated you better.  You could have understood Claire – you could have reached out but instead I got nothing but judgement – your fucking judgement – even before my affair.  I was never good enough for your son until I died and then it was safe to be nice – because in the eyes of the community and your grandson – it was the right thing to do.  But make no mistake – heaven can see that you are a fucking hypocrite!”  Angela picked up one of my Precious Moments angel figurines from the side table and threw it at me.  It went through me and crashed to the floor.  Tom and Jack were jostled from their grief enough to look up.

“What the hell?” Tom said as he looked in disbelief as the shattered porcelain figurine.  “How did that get all the way over there?” asked Jack not fathoming that his mother and grandmother were having an epic fight.  “You common little gutter snipe!   You’re right – you were never good enough for my boy.  As for my husband – I had my reasons – reasons that don’t concern you –“ I replied getting ready to hurl something myself.  “Don’t concern me?! – unfucking believable!  Your husband was also suffering from Post -Traumatic Stress Disorder  from the Korean War– but they didn’t call it that then– it was shell shocked and they didn’t have therapy for it then.  You tried to get him help but nothing worked – just like with Tom. We both needed more but – Jesus Claire – you could have tried to understand or maybe you did and you turned your back on me anyway.”  I found an old ceramic cup - a piece of crap that Angela had made me for my birthday when she was still into pottery and threw it back.  It hit the side of the shelf and broke in two – not nearly as dramatic as I had hoped but now Jack and Tom could see it fly through the air and crash.

“Dad- what’s going on?  Is it – “ Jack stopped short realizing his ghost hunting which was more of a hobby was about to get real.   “Shit son- we need to get under something-“ Tom ordered like an soldier that knew he was under attack – he’d been through this with Angela once before.  He grabbed Jack’s hand and they ran to the kitchen and got under the table. 

“Is that the best you can do old woman?” Angela laughed.  She picked up a ballerina figurine and threw it against the wall – “Too bad you were never good at sports-“ I picked up her crocheted blanket and started to rip it.  Angela retaliated with smashing two more of my Precious Moments angels. “I always detested these things and you were actually stupid enough to think they were art!”

“Dad, I’m scared –“ we both heard Jack from the kitchen.  “Great – now you’ve managed to terrify Jack – the one totally innocent person on this whole thing,” I said running into the kitchen.  “You are not going to comfort him without me,” Angela replied.  I saw Jack and Tom under my dinette.  Jack was trembling and Tom was holding him tight.  “It’s going to be okay son – it’s going to stop soon.”  “It’s only going to stop when you get the fuck out of here Claire –“ Angela opened up the cabinet and started to break my Corning Ware. 

I tried to keep her from my good china which I wanted Jack’s wife to have one day.  The dishes kept breaking around them until a shard of glass hit Jack in his arm and it started to bleed.  “That is enough Angela – stop it now!” Tom bellowed as he stood up ready to take her on.  Angela stopped just as she had my favorite salad bowl in her hands.  She saw Jack bleeding and realized she was the cause.  “Oh my God, Jack – I’m so sorry,” she sat down next to him – holding his arm trying to stem the flow.  Tom got a rag from under the sink and wrapped it around Jack’s arm which stopped the bleeding.  “There you go soldier,” he said trying to ease the tension of the moment.  I wondered if he thought I was around as well.  “Dad, was that Mom and Nana – are they ghosts? Why aren’t they in heaven?”  The idea of my grandson thinking I was not going to heaven took me aback.   

Tom looked around the kitchen and surveyed the damage.  He had been through this with Angela after her funeral when he was drunk.  But this time he was stone sober and his son- an innocent victim had gotten hurt.  “Angela – look I know since I came back from the war – I was not the man you married.  I’m sorry for that – I was just so pissed that in my life I had seen so much death in Vietnam – friends blown away before my eyes.  I never talked about it because a real man just takes it all in and doesn’t say anything.  But that’s bullshit.  I let it destroy our marriage, my relationship with you – with Jack. For that I’m sorry.  I don’t like what you did at the end – leaving me but now I can understand it.  I have to move on Angela.  I was sitting in church today at my mother’s funeral.  Shit – life is too fucking short.  I can’t keep all this anger inside and still function. It’s eating me alive. I forgive you Angie and Mom – you have to forgive her too.”  I looked at Angela and she looked at me.  I realized in death we were supposed to be better than this – we needed ascend beyond our petty mortal coils.   I walked over to Angela – my footsteps crackling over my broken stoneware.   “I’m sorry Angela – I should never have judged you.  Please forgive me.”  Angela took my hand – “I’m sorry too Claire – please forgive me – I know our relationship has not been easy.  I know how much you love them.  I’m just so tired – so very tired.”

A warmness started to fill the kitchen.  The overhead light started to expand and stars entered the kitchen.  I looked over at Angela who was covered in the light.  “That was it Claire – its forgiveness.”  I looked at Angela and for the first time since I had known her – she looked calm and at peace.   White orbs surrounded her.  She started to talk to someone I couldn’t see.  “It’s beautiful Claire – so peaceful.  I need sometime – I’m not sure when I’ll be back - take care of them.”  The ray started to pull her up and she was gone.  

I stood there waiting for my white light but something was holding me back.  I had never forgiven myself for cheating on my husband – he may have forgiven me, the church might have absolved me but still I didn’t feel worthy and that was keeping me back.  “Mom, I know what happened when I was a teenager and Dad did too – it’s in the past.  I love you Mom but you need to move on too –“ Tom said with his voice cracking.   A warmth started to pushed through my chest – like 100 pound weight that had been crushing me for years was finally being lifted.  The white shaft of light started to cover me as well – and this time both Jack and Tom got to see something was changing.  “Dad, look – the room is full of light.”  I felt myself getting lighter.  A voice asked me a crucial question – would I be willing to come back from time to time to keep an eye on things – as a free spirit.  “Yes – please!” I replied eagerly.  I understood Angela’s need to stay away and recharge but the idea that I would be able to go back and forth helped me to be able to finally move on.  Jack put his hand out and I touched it briefly before I ascended to the light completely.   My parents had been waiting a long time to see me – it was good to be with them again.

A week later, Tom was going through the house to get it ready to sell.   I had willed it to him and now he and Jack would have some money to keep their heads above water for a while.  He kept some of my furniture and keepsakes before sending the rest to Goodwill.  Jack got home from school and found Pup-Pup back on his bed.  Tom had thrown him out in a drunken stupor to get his son to grow up.  I saved the little dog from the trash, washed him and kept him at my house in the guest room.  Jack and I usually kept it hidden when Tom was at my house – it was our little secret.  “Pup-Pup – what?!” Jack said as he patted his little stuffed friend.   Tom looked on without saying a word.   Jack had lost so much in such a short period of time – maybe growing up was over-rated.   Tom walked into the kitchen to start dinner with my remaining Corning Ware.  There was a precious Moments angel on the table.  “Hey Mom,” he said with a smile.