Breaking Point

There was a torrential thunder storm outside when I left the attorney's office as a freshly divorced woman.  The weather outside mirrored my feelings on the inside.  My anger so electric it was within striking distance of anything that got too close.  My tear ducts were ready to overflow as I tried to contain myself enough to get into the elevator, down to the lobby, out to the covered garage and then to the safety of my car where I could sob with impunity.  I never wanted this divorce, I never wanted Jess to leave me and yet there we were, signing papers, splitting our married lives in half.  I got the house which has the extra bedroom for the child we were never able to have.   My fame as a medium made me lose sight of the only person that mattered - my husband.  I begged him not to do this - but he had a determined exhaustion which told me that his end of our relationship had burned out even if mine still burned bright.  We hugged briefly at the end and I left - saying nothing because any words that I let out would either be inaudible or a raging scream, there would be no in between. 

As I stood at the elevators, I prayed that I would miss Jess' exit completely.  I didn't want to get in an elevator with him or anyone.  No one seemed to be around thankfully and the door finally opened just as a young woman shouted "Please hold it."   For a nano-second, I thought about shutting the door but then relented hoping this woman did not want to chat the entire 23 floors down.   She was a woman in her mid-thirties, holding a small filing box with a plant sticking out.  Her hair was a long chestnut brown that was pulled back in a tight pony tail and her black suit had traces of dust all over it.  

"Thank you for holding the elevator, it's been a day," she said.  "You don't know the half if it," I thought. I mustered up some small talk hoping to take my mind off my own troubles.  "That's a nice plant."  It seemed like an innocent enough comment until the woman started to cry.  Fucking A, does this building do nothing but bring misery?   "I'm sorry, I got laid off today after five years.  I gave that place 90 hour weeks doing stupid galas and special fucking events, winning awards and in the end I get - "Thanks, you've done amazing things and now that we know how you do it, we can have your assistant do it for less.   Here's a plant and two weeks severance - have a nice fucking life!"  

I stood there awkwardly, my own trauma still fresh but at least I was with someone who could cuss with abandon - that I could relate to.  "That sucks, I'm sorry," I said looking at my shoes trying not to make eye contact.   The woman wiped her tears and then tried to get a better look.  "Hey, you look really familiar."  I prayed she wouldn't know who I was, the spirits had been quiet or maybe I just didn't want to see them which was nice for a change - they had cost me enough especially today. "You're a psychic - I've seen you on Montel."  Being called a psychic always makes me wince and I gently corrected her.  "Actually, I'm a medium, I talk to the dead but I cannot predict the future which is what most people think a psychic can do."  The woman smiled and said, "That would make sense otherwise you would have known better then to get on an elevator with a hot mess like me."  "You're fine and it seems like we've both had a shitty day, I'm Sophia by the way."  "I'm Kyla and usually I'm not like this - but getting fired will throw anyone off their game."  

Just then thunder roared through the building, the lights on the elevator flickered, then went out and then the elevator screeched to a halt.  A few seconds later, the emergency lights came on but we were stopped between floors.   "Shit, this day just keeps getting better and better," Kyla exclaimed as she realized we weren't going anywhere.   When the lights came back on - I noticed that an older male spirit was standing behind her - literally trying to keep her propped up.   Goddammit, I thought, I was not in a mood to talk to anyone living or dead.   "It's probably temporary, once they get the power up and running, we should be good to go,"  I commented trying reassure myself as much as her.   The man smiled, he had wavy white hair, a goatee, he was wearing khakis, a polo shirt and a Members Only navy blue jacket.   "I'm Frank, by the way - just wanted to introduce myself," said the ghost.   I nodded hoping that acknowledging him would end our conversation but those subtle gestures rarely did.  "My daughter Kyla is having a tough time- they used her and then threw her out.  She worked her way up in that place and for them to push her aside - I mean Jesus H. Christ you'd think an organization that helps abused kids would be nicer when then let people go."   "I know," I replied to Frank, "it sucks when people abuse your trust.  It makes you want to stop even trying to do the right thing."  "I know, right?" Kyla replied thinking I was talking to her.  

"Hello, is everyone alright?" a voice from the elevator speaker asked.  "We're fine," I replied, "how long will it be before the elevator is working again?"  "Well, some water got into the machine room and caused a few short circuits, we have emergency generators but I'd rather wait until we're running on regular power to get you out for safety reasons.  How many people are in your car?", the voice asked hoping it was just me.   "There is one other person here - how long will it be?"  I asked again.   "We're working as fast as we can - it's been a day," the voice said before it cut off. 

"Unfucking believable," both Kyla and I said at the same time.   I was admiring her ability to spew obscenity more and more.   We looked at each other and laughed - at least we were on the same page.  "Hey, one advantage of cleaning out my desk is that I have snacks, bottled water and chocolate so we can snack if we're hungry," Kyla explained.  "Looks like I got stuck with the right person," I quipped.  "Apparently I wasn't.  I'm sorry it's just that I've had this happen before - I'm a good person - I know I do good work and then shit like this happens - it's like I can't win.   I should go to work for some heartless corporation where I don't care as much and then if I get canned - it's not like I'd be emotionally invested.   These people treated me like they were my friends and then turn around stab me in the back?   Well fuck being good and helping humanity- I'm going for the money this time."  Kyla's face was flushed with anger and I knew how she felt - I had wanted to give up on being a medium so many times.  Her green eyes started to get red and well up again.   Frank tried to put his arm around her but she couldn't feel it or maybe she was so pissed off she couldn't feel anything but disgust.  "I just don't know what I believe anymore.  What really kills me is that I probably won't be able to see the kids I've gotten to know anymore.  That's what really hurts."  

I stood there - trying to think of something to say.  I felt like I was looking at myself before I went into the lawyer's office this morning- cursing Oprah because I had followed my path and what did it get me?  A broken marriage, a career and fame I wasn't sure I wanted anymore.   The ungrateful dead had managed to ruin everything - my childhood and my adult life because I couldn't turn it off - couldn't put myself and my needs first.   Frank kept on trying to assure her - saying "Hey Punky Head, you'll do fine - it's a set back - that's all - you're my girl - you get up and you kick ass because that's what you've always done - I'm proud of you."   I looked at her trying to see if anything he was saying was getting through but she didn't seem to be getting it.  

"Please," he asked me, "Please let her know I'm here - you're the only one who can do it." 

"I'd rather not, Frank- " I blurted out before I realized that I was speaking out loud. 

"What?  Frank was my dad's name -" Kyla said as she looked at me and then over her shoulder.  "Wait is he here?"   

"Please!" Frank pleaded. 

"Yes, he's here Punky Head," I said chuckling because the nickname struck me as funny. 

"Oh my God - it's him?  I mean I always wondered if you people were for real, but there is no way you could have known that -" she remarked now looking at me differently. 

"Well, that's what I do," I said wearily, "and like you - I'm tired of being fucked up the ass by my gift so maybe that's why we're both here - stuck between floors hoping something will change." 

"Holy shit, you girls have filthy mouths," said Frank who failed to see the irony. "Please reassure her - things will get better - you both can't just walk away from what you do.  My daughter helps people and you help people and whether you like it or not - it's who you are.   Tell her it's like that time when she did the toy drive for that little boy Dominic and his mother who had AIDs, it was their last Christmas together and without Kyla they wouldn't have had toys or food."  "Oh for Christ sake, Frank, okay," I muttered and then turned to Kyla.  "He says you can't give up - think about what you did for Dominic and his mom during the holidays - it mattered, what we do matters," my voice trailed off and for the first time that day, I allowed myself to cry.   Kyla walked over to me and gave me a hug.   I'm not much of a hugger, but this time I just let it happen and hugged back.  I cried, she cried and we didn't say a word.  I looked up, saw Frank and mouthed "Thank you."  Frank smiled and faded out. 

The full power came back on and we could hear the cab of the elevator start to move down to the lobby.  We separated from our hug and smiled awkwardly.   Kyla reached into her box and pulled out a bottle of water, some Kleenex and a Hershey's Dark Chocolate and handed it to me.   

The elevator finally reached the ground floor where we were met by a very nervous building manager who apologized profusely.   I didn't really care at this point, I just wanted to go home.  Kyla took it in stride and smiled - I guess because she didn't feel so alone anymore.   "Hey," she said, "you want to grab a bite?"  Now, normally, I would have said no, but then I saw Jess walking over to us and said, "Sure Kyla, I'd love to grab a bite with you, my treat.  Let's just find a place with a bar."  "Hell yeah!" exclaimed Kyla laughing.  I walked past Jess, waved and smiled.  It had finally stopped raining.   

"So, how did my dad look?" Kyla asked as we walked into a nearby bistro.   "He looked like a really nice guy," I said. 

Sophia Gardeen is a nationally recognized medium who is currently working on Ghost Wanderers for the Supernatural Channel. www.ghostwanderers.com  She also makes one hell of a good blond brownie!

Ghosts in the Mist

When I was first starting to get famous as a medium in 2001, I had a pretty big fan base (keeping in mind this was before Facebook and Twitter had caught on).  I was doing the talk show circuits - Montel, Jenny Jones and Ricki Lake to name a few. My following was mostly stay at home moms and gay men.   I also had my own website (which was a big deal 13 years ago) and I had a webmaster who would manage it and pass along any interesting e-mails that might come down the pike.  

He forwarded this one e-mail to me from a mother who had been out taking pictures of holiday lights and had found this image when she developed the photos.   She was not sure what it was and asked me to take a look at it.   First thing I asked was if it was taken on a digital camera since sometimes digital cameras can capture dust and mist and make them look like ghostly orbs.  But these images were not orbs - it seemed to be a face of a man in a tri-cornered hat like in the Revolutionary War.   There also seemed to be a hand around the mouth of the revolutionary man - so it looked disturbing.  However, the image appeared very light so I 
e-mailed her that I thought that it was a spirit guide and not to worry - it might even be an ancestor and maybe the hand was from a second entity.  She e-mailed that she was relived and thanked me profusely. She also mentioned that her little daughter Nikki was a big fan. I thought that was cute but honestly didn't think any more about it. 

In 2002, the same Mom e-mailed the website

again, but this time it was more frantic.  There seemed to be apparitions standing behind her children at the same park in Tallahassee where they went for holiday lights the prior year.   Again, I asked if this was a digital photo and she assured me that it was a 35 mm print.  She also sent the original photo image from the prior year for me to compare.  I realized that the four entities in the second photo were stuck together in the first image which would explain the random hand around the mouth.  The way that the spirits were arranged around the children both startled me and made me smile.  It was as if they were  surrounding the little ones - wanting to have their picture taken and saying - "Hey, how's it going? It's us - the spirit world - Merry Christmas!"  This time I was sure what they were and I actually called the mother to talk to her directly.  I told her that the images I saw were spirit guides and that her children were well protected and not to worry.  I could hear the relief in her voice and could also hear a little girl in the background asking if she could talk to me.   The mother asked if it was okay and I was more than happy to talk to her.   

A little six year old voice came on the phone and announced - "Hello Miss Sophia, my name is Nikki and I have a message for you."   I started to smile and thought that was adorable but didn't expect what came next.   "Sassy likes to come over to my house and have tea parties with me and my fat cat Gizmo. Why don't you play tea party with her anymore?"   I gasped a little bit and almost dropped the phone - Sassy was my baby cat who was killed by a car when I was about the same age as Nikki and we used to have tea parties together.  I have never talked

about Sassy in interviews so there was no way this child could have known about her or what she meant to me. I started to tear up and didn't speak for a few seconds.  Little Nikki pressed on.  "Hey, are you still there?  You need to play with Sassy!"  I could hear her Mom trying to get the phone but I wanted to say something to Nikki.  "No, it's okay, you're right Nikki, I need to play with Sassy more.  You are a very perceptive little girl.   Thank you for reminding how much fun I used to have with her when I was your age.  Give you kitty Gizmo and your Mom a big hug for me!"   

The next thing I heard was the phone plunk on the counter and Nikki yelling "Mom, I need to hug you and Gizmo for Miss Sophia!"  Nikki's mother got on the phone and apologized.  She mentioned that Nikki was always saying crazy things like that - saying things she couldn't possibly know about.  I felt transported in time for a few seconds - remembering what it was like to have these abilities at a young age and embarrassing my parents left and right.   "Hey, you need to encourage her.  She has a gift, a real gift. Those things are not crazy, they are spot on.  Maybe that's why the spirits were drawn to her.  I said that I would be willing to talk to Nikki once a month if she wanted me to.   When her mother told her, I could hear Nikki's singing - "Yes, yes, I'm going to do the happy awesome dance!"  

I put the phone down and tried to keep my emotions in check - this child was me at six but I didn't have anyone to help guide and I was going to make Goddamn sure that she did. So for about six months I was pretty faithful about calling and talking to her.  Then I got more TV offers and life got in the way.  The calls got to be few and far between - maybe once every six months but every time I called she was so happy to hear from me.  This went on for a couple of years but then fame and my marriage started to spiral out of control and the calls stopped completely.

In 2012, my weakest moment was caught on video at Clairvoyant Con.  Jess, my husband, had just left me a few weeks before and it was pretty public knowledge.  I was drinking heavily and making appearances half wasted because that was the only way I could cope.   I walked out on stage to the sounds of applause and bright lights which made my buzz even worse.  A young girl who looked to be about 16 raised her hand and asked me what it was like to be a medium - her face was sweet and bright with her whole world in front of her.   

For a few seconds I tried to remember what it was like to be that age when life was so full of possibilities - when I hadn't had the crap kicked out of me so many times.  Then I remembered being that age, with no friends and parents that wanted me out of the house.  I didn't want that future for this sweet young thing.  I asked her if that was what she wanted to be and she sweetly replied that "I think I'm good at it and it seems like fun."   My head reeled - "Are you fucking kidding me?  You think it's fun?" I said to myself and then proceeded to go on a tirade to talk her out of being a medium.  "It's like being stuck in a cubicle with annoying co-workers who never leave you along- it sucks!  Please do something else with your life!" I implored.  

She looked dejected and sat down.  I then realized how harsh and bitchy I was.  I was about to apologize when a stupid redneck started calling me a fake.   So I did what most half drunk mediums would do under the same circumstances - I beat the shit out of him.  I tried to find that girl later and apologize but there was no way to find her and security would not let me back into the building.  

When the video of me losing it went viral, I lost my TV appearances, book deals, private readings - just about everything.  Some mediums applauded me for standing my ground and taking that asshole to task but what most folks saw was a drunk woman out of control and they left comments like that under the video.   Then some folks started making fun of the girl who was asking me about being a medium and that infuriated me.  It was bad enough that I was mean to her but the rest of the world didn't need to pile on.  One of her friends left a comment defending her and mentioned that her name was Nikki.  Holy shit!  It was then that I realized who that sweet girl was - she was the little Nikki that I used to talk to. 

She came to me for help and all I did was condescend and try to talk her out of being who she was.  It seemed sadly familiar - I became the people who used to bully me.   I tried to reach out to her mother again, but she would have nothing to do with me which I understood and frankly deserved.  I wanted to make things right - not because a 12-step program told me I had to - it was because I had hurt someone who once looked up to me and all I did was screw things up.  I've tried to see if she had a Facebook account or if she would follow me on Twitter but she doesn't seem to have an account - probably because of all the on-line bullying from the video.  I feel sick inside every time I think about it.

So the moral of the story is to never ever make someone who comes to you for help feel like shit for asking.  I wish I could take that day back - or at least take back making her feel bad.  Nikki, if you are reading this - I am so very, very sorry.  I fucked up - plain and simple.  I said I would be there for you and I wasn't.  You must be 18 or 19 years old now and I hope that you didn't take my advice -that you have been using your gift and have your mother, family and friends around you who love and support you. Those young adult years can be tough when you're a medium. I hope one day you can forgive me and maybe we can have some coffee together and you can tell me about how many people you've helped and how happy you are.   I would love to know that you didn't listen that crazy drunk woman (whose stopped drinking by the way) and made it on your own.  I would really love to hear from you.  

Sophia Gardeen is a nationally recognized medium who is currently working on Ghost Wanderers for the Supernatural Channel. www.ghostwanderers.com  She also makes one hell of a good pecan pie!